It has been said that marriage is highly likely to be our last and best chance to grow up. But increasing numbers of couples are now choosing to cohabit in preference to marrying. Those in their late twenties, with no particular religious affiliation and who are of an ‘Anglo’ background, are most likely to cohabit. In addition, cohabiting couples of all ages are less likely than married couples to have children living with them. None of this should surprise us given the high rates of divorce in recent times. Study findings show that children of divorce marry less and divorce more than children raised in intact families. Divorce appears to have introduced increased apprehension and uncertainty where once there was greater optimism and a general belief that life-long commitment was reasonably achievable.

Most people know of couples who are cohabiting. The HILDA survey report of 2006 [1] revealed that 10 per cent of the Australian population over 18 years of age is cohabiting. Over three quarters of couples who marry indicated that they had cohabited beforehand. Cohabitation has increased despite the fact that many studies have concluded that there is a ‘cohabitation effect’, and that it generally results in poorer marital outcomes. A recent issue of the Australian journal Threshold summarised many of the social findings related to the effects of cohabitation. It found that the experience of multiple premarital cohabitation partners increased the risk of divorce by 28% when women had had two intimate premarital relationships. It was also associated with a reduction over time in esteem for marriage and childrearing. Premarital cohabitation is linked to poorer communication in marriage, lower levels of marital satisfaction and greater marital domestic aggression. Choosing to cohabit also places a person at an increased risk of depression and low self-esteem. Perhaps most worrying for women is that premarital cohabitation seems to be associated with lower levels of a husband’s dedication to his spouse. In a 2004 Journal of Family Issues study, over 900 respondents were asked to rate their agreement with a series of statements assessing their level of dedication to their spouse. After controlling for religiosity, age and income, the level of a man’s dedication was found to be “significantly lower in married couples who lived together prior to marriage than in those who did not”. The study authors concluded that, “men who premaritally cohabited with their wives are, on average, a good deal less dedicated to their wives even once they are married!” The poorer marital outcomes known as ‘the cohabitation effect’ are not simply due to the self-selection effects of pre-existing characteristics of people who cohabit. There appears to be something about cohabitation itself that changes the dispositions and attitudes of people into ones that promote worse outcomes for them. Despite this body of evidence, many people of many ages continue to delude themselves to believe that cohabitation is a good way to test their relationships.

On the face of the most recent evidence it appears that cohabitation is a con! If someone wants seriously to enhance their chances of life-long companionship and happiness then clearly they should avoid cohabitation. Living together appears to erode the requisite motivation and commitment essential for a successful marriage. In particular, cohabiting makes it more likely for a couple to become increasingly focused on themselves and less likely to value having and rearing children. This holds particular resonance for those many women who are in cohabiting relationships thinking that it is their best way of eventually marrying and having children. Unfortunately, far too many men continue to believe that there is no requirement for any further formal commitment since the needs they regard as most urgent are already being satisfied. These men need to realise that they are selling themselves short and letting down their partners very badly. In contrast to cohabitation and premarital sexual intimacy, there certainly seems to be a place for those genuine physical expressions of affection, which come through that growth in friendship and natural bonding associated with a deepening relationship.

Perhaps we need to rediscover the wonder and value of things like courtship. There is much to be said for encouraging couples to spend time with one another in a social environment comprising of a range of commonly understood structured rituals. For too many couples cohabitation seems to ‘just happen’ and they are blissfully unaware of its potential for harm. Cohabitation is a highly ambiguous state of commitment. It can mean different things to different people – even members of a couple living together. We need to construct social frameworks which more clearly signify levels of relationship commitment and get marriage and children more firmly on the agenda. Perhaps every dad should tell his daughter, “If your relationship with a bloke starts to get serious, make sure that he understands that he is to ask my permission to court you!” This does not mean that daughters are their father’s property. But such a statement would send a strong signal about what loving a woman means, from the man who has devoted his life to her while she was growing up, to the man who would need to devote his life to her in the future. If nothing else it would give young men a reality check about what is potentially at stake.

Chris Meney is Director of the Marriage and Family Office of the Archdiocese of Sydney